fox_confessor: (god put a smile upon your face)
Yoga last night for the first time in 17 days. It was really good. I had gotten a bit weird about yoga. When I was growing up, my sister was tall and pretty and... I was smart. I know I've spoken of this before, but I really internalized that message and spent most of my life pretending that I was somehow weirdly disconnected from my body (except for the horror of dressing rooms). I just tried not to think about it. In yoga, I became conscious of my body in a way that I had never been before and eventually that became body conscious, you know? Hyper aware of my size and my dissatisfaction with it. Yoga became about exercise and I really lost my joy in it. I spent a lot of time over the last few week trying to change that focus. I don't want this to be about weight loss, I tell myself, just as I don't want eating vegetables to be labeled as dieting (because then I think "deprived", which leads to binging). I want to live a healthy life, even if I never lose an ounce and never fit into a size 8. I want to be healthy.

So, I finally went back last night, with the admonition that I had to just close my eyes, breathe, and listen to my instructor and (most importantly) my body. I didn't push when my thighs bitched that it'd been weeks and we certainly weren't going to put our nose to the floor (or anywhere near it) in straddle or put our heels down in down dog. My hamstrings reminded me that we are barely on speaking terms on the best of days. My back says we're definitely too old for this shit and to not even think for a moment that we'll ever find ourselves in wheel or camel. It was enough to do what I could without pushing and to breathe (particularly because I was just getting over my cold). It was nice. It was nice, too, because class started at 6 and it was really cloudy out so kinda dark anyway but by the end of class, it was full on dark and she only had candles lit. Except for the woman next to me sighing loudly at every turn, it was easy to pretend it was just me and to not bemoan that I'm not made of rubber.

I don't know. I feel better today for sure for having gone and I'm going back tomorrow so that I can begin establishing my routine again but I definitely need to remain mindful of why I'm doing this and set my intention each time I step on my mat.
fox_confessor: (god put a smile upon your face)
Today in yoga, we did a bunch of balancing poses in a build-up, she tells us right before she puts us into, half moon pose, which I had never done before (and just in time for the Super Moon tonight, tricky teacher). She demonstrated it and I thought, "yeah. there's no way." Except way. I think I was thinking arm strength for some reason? It's leg, balance, core. We did it against the wall, learning how it would feel to turn out our hips, trust that we wouldn't fall when we lifted one arms up to the sky (or not to mind too much when we wobbled). And then we did it without the wall. My legs were strong. Reaching up felt effortless. To lower, we engaged the core and swung the lifted leg down onto the floor while standing. I'm not explaining that right--just standing upright rather than collapsing into a heap. It felt amazing to do--strong (like super hero training...I'm a geek enough to think that on occasion).

Every time I have a conversation with someone not into yoga about being so into yoga, the other person almost invariably says, "I could never do yoga." Totally, totally can. I was really overweight when I started a year ago, self conscious, in physical therapy for my back. I couldn't touch my toes (or anywhere near my toes). My muscles burned and shook with effort. I was embarrassed because I wasn't in shape, hid behind big t shirt, sat in the back hoping nobody noticed me. I wanted peace, I think. I wanted something different, that is for sure. I decided (sitting in Union Station waiting for Laura) that when I got home I would start. And I did. There are still days when I'm the biggest girl in the room, days when I'm really conscious of that (days when it doesn't bother me in the least now far out number days I'm bothered by that). I have a different awareness of my body that took a long time to gain. I don't think about how round my stomach still is or how tight my shoulders always are. I wear a tank top to class without worrying about my arms (hint: loose t shirts in yoga will tent your face when you lift into down dog. It's really annoying.) I still think, like I did today, "there's no way I can get into that pose" and then I try anyway and I'm shocked and proud.

I don't completely have the peace I was looking for but I'm getting there, I think. I bounce back from hard days quicker. I don't respond with quite as much fear as I did. Like last night, when I was waiting at the hospital for three hours for my mom to have an MRI. I saw the technician who had taken her back leading a guy in scrubs and I panicked. I was too far away to reach them (they were in an inaccessible place by the time my mind caught up with what I was seeing) and I panicked. And I started to tear up and breath heavily and know, the dark thoughts that I don't want to think about. But then I thought the mantra I've been using this week (I have strong feet and strong hands and a strong mind. I can take care of myself. I am alive and well in this moment.) and I could breath again. That I can now do half moon pose is exciting to me but that I can pull myself back from a panic attack, pull my shoulders back and breathe...even better (even more important).

As a side note, the technician was a vein specialist who was there to stick my mom when technician dude couldn't do it himself--no where near what my panicked brain had conjured.
Jun. 4th, 2013 10:32 pm


fox_confessor: (god put a smile upon your face)
Last night was for smug yoga, which of course means I was slightly missing the point but whatever. It was a good class and I attempted crow for the first time which was hilarious. Tonight was a double header: Deep Stretch and a Basic Flow with a new teacher. The Deep Stretch class had a substitute and she was hard core (also my second favorite teacher ever). I almost canceled my plans for the second class after the first. Lots of down dogs, tons of lunges, warrior poses, dynamic squats, crow again (still hilarious) followed by the second class filled with sun salutations, which mean my shoulders are going to ache in the morning (but I accomplished a cobra from plank without collapsing onto the mat before lifting up) and my first time achieving camel. My heels hit the mat in down dog for the first time, too, probably because I turned into a noodle at some point. Endorphins! I'm exhausted but seriously happy yo'.

Downloaded the new Queens of the Stone Age album. I'm a bit in love. Previewed the new Barenaked Ladies (eh. I didn't feel compelled to buy) and the new Julian Lennon (I like it best when he sounds like his dad.) but mostly spent the day listening to... well, meetings and people on the phone but in between QofSA. There's a new Yeah Yeah Yeah's album coming out too (or maybe has already come out?) I downloaded a song from Starbucks but need to check out the whole album.

Work was workish. Solved a problem. Had a couple of meetings. Was properly directed by my new supervisor :D :D She's awesome. Have I mentioned? Of course, I realized today (by the second or third email) that she's actually going to expect things from me, which will be a completely new experience.

Bed now. Have I mentioned exhausted? And likely unable to lift my arms in the morning (hopefully just enough to apply coffee liberally).
fox_confessor: (god put a smile upon your face)
in which I ramble about yoga )

Okay, I think I'm done :D ahaha Yoga! It makes me really fucking happy. The university is sponsoring an outdoor yoga class on the the spring solstice and I'm so tempted. I'd have to be a bit late to work but not too much. I'm not convinced I have the nerve to practice with a bunch of co-eds but the drawback is also the draw :D

Okay! Walk, then work, then hopefully formatting my recs for [ profile] escribo. I haven't done one in a while and I have some fic I want to share.


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