(no subject)

Today in yoga, we did a bunch of balancing poses in a build-up, she tells us right before she puts us into, half moon pose, which I had never done before (and just in time for the Super Moon tonight, tricky teacher). She demonstrated it and I thought, "yeah. there's no way." Except way. I think I was thinking arm strength for some reason? It's leg, balance, core. We did it against the wall, learning how it would feel to turn out our hips, trust that we wouldn't fall when we lifted one arms up to the sky (or not to mind too much when we wobbled). And then we did it without the wall. My legs were strong. Reaching up felt effortless. To lower, we engaged the core and swung the lifted leg down onto the floor while standing. I'm not explaining that right--just standing upright rather than collapsing into a heap. It felt amazing to do--strong (like super hero training...I'm a geek enough to think that on occasion).

Every time I have a conversation with someone not into yoga about being so into yoga, the other person almost invariably says, "I could never do yoga." Totally, totally can. I was really overweight when I started a year ago, self conscious, in physical therapy for my back. I couldn't touch my toes (or anywhere near my toes). My muscles burned and shook with effort. I was embarrassed because I wasn't in shape, hid behind big t shirt, sat in the back hoping nobody noticed me. I wanted peace, I think. I wanted something different, that is for sure. I decided (sitting in Union Station waiting for Laura) that when I got home I would start. And I did. There are still days when I'm the biggest girl in the room, days when I'm really conscious of that (days when it doesn't bother me in the least now far out number days I'm bothered by that). I have a different awareness of my body that took a long time to gain. I don't think about how round my stomach still is or how tight my shoulders always are. I wear a tank top to class without worrying about my arms (hint: loose t shirts in yoga will tent your face when you lift into down dog. It's really annoying.) I still think, like I did today, "there's no way I can get into that pose" and then I try anyway and I'm shocked and proud.

I don't completely have the peace I was looking for but I'm getting there, I think. I bounce back from hard days quicker. I don't respond with quite as much fear as I did. Like last night, when I was waiting at the hospital for three hours for my mom to have an MRI. I saw the technician who had taken her back leading a guy in scrubs and I panicked. I was too far away to reach them (they were in an inaccessible place by the time my mind caught up with what I was seeing) and I panicked. And I started to tear up and breath heavily and think...you know, the dark thoughts that I don't want to think about. But then I thought the mantra I've been using this week (I have strong feet and strong hands and a strong mind. I can take care of myself. I am alive and well in this moment.) and I could breath again. That I can now do half moon pose is exciting to me but that I can pull myself back from a panic attack, pull my shoulders back and breathe...even better (even more important).

As a side note, the technician was a vein specialist who was there to stick my mom when technician dude couldn't do it himself--no where near what my panicked brain had conjured.