fox_confessor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fox_confessor) wrote2012-06-10 11:27 pm
fox_confessor) wrote2012-06-10 11:27 pm
Entry tags:
Fic: These Four Kings (Year Seven 11/18)
Title: These Four Kings (Year Seven 11/18)
Author: Dani (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
escribo)
Word count: 4250
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Lily/James, Remus/Sirius
Timeline: January
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. I've not made nor seek any profit.
Year 1: one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven
Year 2: one/ two/ three/ four
Year 3: one/ two/three/four
Year 4 (coming in the future when work quits eating my brains! Sorry for the out-of-order-ness)
Year 5 one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight
Year 6 one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight/ nine
Summer one/ two
Year 7 one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight/ nine/ten/eleven/twelve/thirteen/fourteen/fifteen/sixteen/seventeen/eighteen
Leaving Hogwarts one/two/three/four (the end)
As Lily stood on the stairs leading down to the Common Room, she scraped her fingers through the heavy curtain of her hair then let it drop, rolling her shoulders. It'd been a long day at the end of a long week, and she was exhausted. It was beginning to feel like there was nothing but classes, homework, her duties as Head Girl, and dealing with everything had happened over the holidays--with the fear of what was coming. These would be her last few months at Hogwarts and every time she thought about it, her stomach dropped a bit. For at least the last two years, she and her friends had made plans and exclaimed again and again that they couldn't wait to leave, to really begin their lives. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time, especially since the holidays--both the good and the bad. Suddenly she didn't want this time to end, but it had to, she wanted these last few months to be good--and not just for herself, she thought as she watched James tumble through the portrait with Sirius, Remus, and Peter--and she was determined to make them so.
"You're late," she teased, crossing her arms over her chest as she took the next step down.
"Perpetually," James called back as he smiled broadly at her. He broke off from his friends and crossed over to Lily, reaching for her, and she went to him gladly. "Missed you."
"We see each other every day."
"In class and prefects' meetings. At meals sometimes," James whispered, his lips against her neck. "Not the same."
Lily smiled, and closed her eyes, overwhelmed in the best possible way. "Where were you four? Causing mischief? We've barely been back a week."
"Remus has a pet project. We're helping."
"Sirius?"
"What?"
"Is Sirius Remus' project?"
James laughed out loud, and Lily took a step back, seeing in his eyes that he remembered Lily knew Sirius spent at least part of his time as a rather large, shaggy dog. "Not that kind of pet," he said. "He's formed a kind of dueling club."
"Do I want to know?"
"Think of it as more private tutoring. He's always done that."
"Is that what it is?"
James shrugged, his line of sight sliding past her to watch Remus as he talked with a group of first years who swarmed around him. "More or less. He's teaching the younger kids how to protect themselves. Just his way of dealing with Jack's death."
Lily took a step back and hugged herself, nodding. She'd been fond of Jack, too. "And you're helping him."
James shrugged again, looking at her again. "Of course. We all are but we're free now. Is everything ready for tonight?"
"Have you talked to Sirius?"
"Not yet but he'll come if I ask. You just need to work on Remus. If I do it, he'll be suspicious."
"Already in hand," she said, and they both look at Remus again.
***
Remus knew something was up the moment he saw James and Lily with their heads together. It was different from their usual--less kissing, more whispering. They looked up at the same time, a trick that used to belong strictly to James and Sirius, Lily's smile only slightly less worrying than Sirius' had ever been. Remus half raised his hand, forcing his lips into a smile that felt more like a grimace--that definitely became a grimace as they both waved back. He fled up the stairs.
"James and Lily are plotting something," he announced to the room as he came through the door.
"I thought girls were supposed to be sweet," Peter said. He had his shirt off, and a towel around his neck. Remus could see a bruise blossoming on his pale shoulder from where he'd fallen after one of the second years finally learned the blocking spell Remus had been teaching them.
"Has Lily ever struck you as sweet?" Sirius asked. He was shirtless, too, and Remus watched him from beneath his lashes as Sirius toweled off his hair. There were still droplets of water clinging to his shoulders. Remus didn't notice as Peter left for his own shower until the door clicked closed again.
"She can be," Remus finally said, though quietly as he forced himself to look away.
"To you."
"She said she'd let you borrow her Charms essay."
"After she found out that I was letting you borrow mine."
"Can I borrow your black jumper?"
"You're changing the subject."
"Did it work?"
Sirius smiled and nodded, digging out the requested item. Remus caught it one handed. He turned away and began to tug on his tie and unbutton his shirt. He couldn't stop thinking about the drops of water on Sirius' shoulder.
"Are you going out?"
"Yeah. Lily set me up with someone."
"That explains it then, yeah?"
"Yeah, I suppose."
"Who with?" The bed dipped under Sirius' weight just as Remus reached for the jumper again. He pulled it from beneath Sirius' leg and used it to swat at his arm. Sirius grabbed it, his reflexes not quite what James' were but the momentum was enough to knock Remus off balance. He put his hand on Sirius' shoulder to steady himself, holding his breath a bit when Sirius' hand caught his hip in the wide span of his palm.
"With who, Moony?"
"I didn't ask. It's just a favor."
"What if I said I didn't want you to go?"
"Are you saying that?"
"James is looking for you, Padfoot." Sirius jumped as Peter stuck his head back into the room, and Remus drew back his hand as if scalded. "And Lily said it was time to go, Remus. I thought we were being suspicious of her?"
"We are." Remus forced himself to smile at Peter before he disappeared back out into the hall to finally take his shower, Remus supposed, and he tugged the jumper from Sirius' hands. He put it on and ran his hands through his hair. Only when he was finished getting dressed did he dare to look at Sirius again. "Do I look all right?"
Sirius stood and smoothed his hands over Remus' hair, tugging at where it was just beginning to curl at his collar, and then over his shoulders and down his arms, his fingertips pressing lightly against the pulse in his wrists. He stared at Remus, his wide, gray eyes dark as storm clouds, and Remus felt his mouth go dry as he swayed slightly, pulled by some invisible (inevitable) force. "I won't go if you don't want me to," he said plainly--evenly--feeling no uncertainty, not like he had when he was younger. That was gone.
"I want you to have fun, Moony. You deserve that."
Sirius smiled, showing a line of straight, bright white teeth, and Remus wondered if it was normal that he wanted to lick them.
***
"Hey Lily?"
"Yeah."
"Do you love James?"
"Maybe." Lily lowered her head, her steps slowing a bit as she walked alongside Remus. "I guess I do."
"What does it feel like?"
"I don't know. Like I want him to be always near, and when he's not, I think about him all the time. You're not going to tell him are you?"
Remus laughed quietly, and curled his fingers around her hand, bumping his shoulder against her own. "I think he knows already."
"I suppose. Anyway, it feels maddening and glorious and terrifying all at once."
"Oh."
"You don't agree?"
"How would I know?" It took Remus two steps before he realized Lily wasn't walking with him anymore, and he tugged at her hand. Woe be to James, Remus thought, if he ever thought to keep secrets. But then James never had to. "Right. It doesn't matter if I know, then."
"Nonsense. Why not?"
"I'm too dangerous to love," he said quietly--flatly, looking around to make sure no one else could hear though they hadn't seen anyone since they'd left the main halls.
"Do you really believe that, Remus?"
"Of course I do. It's true. Besides, what would I have to offer anyone? N.E.W.T levels that will mean precisely nothing in six months time because I won't be allowed a job, a body covered in scars, and the only thing certain in my life that I'll likely die young. I'm quite the catch."
"Do you ever say these sort of things to Sirius?"
"Of course not. He'd hex me."
"What makes you so sure that I won't."
"You're too kind to me. Even when we were children, you never hit me with one of the curses you'd throw at James and Sirius. Not even accidentally."
"Your heart," Lily finally answered. She linked her arm through his and began to walk again. "Your loyalty, your devotion, and your strength and courage. You know you're loved already for those things, and more--your intelligence, your kindness, your rather wicked sense of humor. Those are the things he wants, what he loves about you. You are everything to him, and he wants nothing more."
"He told you that?"
"Of course not. He doesn't have to. A witch knows these things," she said as she tugged him forward up the final winding staircase that led to the top of the Astronomy tower. "And what's more, it's all the things you love in him as well, and more."
"I thought you despised divination," Remus said, but he was shaken because she was right--of course, she was right.
"I do--thoroughly. This is not that."
"No?"
"No. I've made a study, you see, and tonight the experiment only needs bearing out." Lily pushed open the door, using her shoulder when it stuck a bit, and grimaced when it scraped on the stone floor of the tower.
"Careful, Lily. We'll have Filch up here." James took aim at the door, his silencing charm muffling the noise.
"Took care of him, too, or at least Alice did earlier. Has him down in the kitchens with a doxy infestation in the pantries. He'll be there for hours so we'll have most the night."
"Most of the night for what?" Remus asked but he suspected he already knew. He looked to where Sirius leaned against the wall, smoking. This was his favor to James, Remus supposed.
"You two are having a date," Lily said brightly. "It's my best set-up to date, I think. Two of my closest friends. A perfect match, really. I hardly had to do any work at all."
"It was either this or lock you in a broom closet." James wrapped his arms around Lily's shoulders and pulled her close. "Which continues to be an option. Or veritiserum in your pumpkin juice, which is Peter's idea, but we've opted for this instead. For now."
"Though I happen to know where Slughorn has some that he's brewed to sell locked up in his office." Lily closed her hands over James and smiled rather wickedly.
Remus vowed to watch his glass in the morning at breakfast. "He does that?"
"The point is, it would be really easy to get enough to make you both--"
"It's no secret that Black's interested," Remus said, cutting James off. Sirius made no other move than to flick the glowing ember of his cigarette from the tower. "So veritiserum might be overkill there."
"But I don't think Black knows how you feel."
"I keep trying to tell her that men don't talk about that shite but--" James bit off whatever else he was going to say the moment Lily's heel connected with the toe of his boot. "What I mean is that it's healthy to discuss your emotions, lads, and I highly recommend giving it a go. Frequently."
"I'm willing," Remus said to the air, looking up at the stars as if it didn't matter either way. Inside, his heart was beating out a tattoo that he was sure Sirius could hear by the way Sirius was staring at him. "Not the talking bit but-- The date. Always willing to do a favor for Lily."
"Right," Sirius said as he rubbed his palms on his jeans. "Right," he repeated.
***
Five minutes into a very awkward first date, Sirius had had enough. He hadn't ever given much thought to it before, but he was quite sure it wouldn't have involved James, Lily, or a cold rooftop. He tapped the toe of his boot against Remus' and nodded his head toward the stairs. James and Lily were involved enough with each other that they didn't notice when Remus grabbed the half-bottle of wine and followed Sirius back inside. They didn't go far, just far enough that they likely wouldn't be found--the small cupboard under the stair near the owlery.
"It's freezing in here," Remus complained as he got on his hands and knees and followed Sirius into the tiny space.
"Would you rather go back with Lily and James?"
"No."
"Then budge up."
"We're too big for this now."
"Quit complaining. Just--here. Lean against me. We'll both fit." Remus protested half-heartedly as Sirius pulled and tugged him into the dark cupboard until he was sitting between Sirius' legs, Sirius' arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. "There. Not too big. I haven't been here in ages."
"I still come sometimes," Remus admitted quietly.
"I know."
"How? It never made it onto the map."
"Padfoot doesn't need a map to find you, and I like knowing you're safe."
"I can take care of myself."
"I know, just--shut up, yeah? I like knowing you're safe," he repeated. He was feeling rather tetchy about the whole night--out of sorts in a way that had less to do with James' rushed confession moments before Lily and Remus had turned up, and more to do with... Sirius shook his head and settled his arms around Remus a bit more firmly. "If you're too cold we can find some place warmer."
"This is fine."
"I can probably do a-- Here." Sirius conjured a small ball of green flame that he let hover just above them, its weak light giving off even weaker heat, but almost enough to warm the space a bit. "Better?"
"It's fine, Pads."
"So, what do you usually do on these favors for Lily?"
"I don't know. Nothing. What do you usually do on your dates?"
"I don't have dates."
"You've gone on dates."
"I think about you a lot."
"On your dates?"
"Yes. Which is why I don't have many of them. It's awkward. I think about how I'd rather be back in the room with you, and I get accused of being distracted and disinterested. Which I am because I'd rather just be with you."
"All right."
"Is that all? Is that all you have to say?"
"I like being with you, too?"
"So then we'll just be together?"
Remus let the silence drag out between them and Sirius held his breath until he felt Remus nod.
"All right," Remus said, his voice sounding a bit tremulous. "For now at least."
"What do you mean for now?"
"I don't know. For now. For while we're at Hogwarts because I don't know what's going to happen after."
"So once we leave here, you're done with me?"
"I didn't say that. I said I didn't know what would happen."
"Then let's talk about it."
"I don't want to."
"Why won't you talk about it?"
"Because there's nothing to talk about, Sirius."
"So in June, the world ends?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe for me. Look, I don't want to talk about it because I have no future. I leave Hogwarts and the protection that Dumbledore has given me is gone. I'll have to register. I won't be able to get a job or a place to live, not in the wizarding world, at least, and attending Hogwarts hasn't exactly prepared me to live as a Muggle."
"What are you planning to do?"
"I don't know."
"You'll live with me," Sirius said. "I'll take care of you."
"Sirius, I don't--"
"You don't want me?"
"I wasn't going to say that."
"So, you do want me." Sirius whispered his words against the shell of Remus' ear, and Remus nodded. "James and I already talked about--"
"Of course you have."
"We won't let you just give up, and I won't let you walk away from me."
"I'm not. I wouldn't."
"You are. McGonagall said that you were planning a lonely path and you didn't want to tell me."
"What?"
"At Christmas. In the infirmary. McGonagall said--"
"Damn pad foot. I wasn't." Remus stopped and rubbed his hands over his face. "It's not-- That conversation was private."
"I know. I'm sorry," Sirius said, but didn't sound very sorry at all. "I didn't mean to hear it."
"It wasn't about you, Sirius. It was about my mum."
"Your mum? What about your mum?"
"She's getting worse. I mean, she's been bad since my dad died but she's getting worse. She's afraid of the Ministry and what little she's heard about the war. She's not right. Her sister wants to take her away but she won't go. She won't leave me. She thinks my dad is still alive but a prisoner. She writes Professor Dumbledore nearly everyday, afraid that they've come for me. She cries all the time."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"There's nothing you could do. You can't fix it. Nobody can."
"Aren't there places--hospitals--where she could get help? Where maybe they'd find a cure."
Remus shook his head sadly. "Dumbledore sent a healer to visit her. There's nothing anyone can do. She's just-- She'd be better off if I had never been born."
"Don't say that."
"It's the truth. She's always been fragile, afraid for me and angry with my dad. When he died, I don't know. It's like she feels guilty for being mad at him. She thinks there's something wrong with her because of what happened to me. She--" Remus was silent for a long time, his hands shaking. "There are memory charms. That's part of Professor McGonagall was talking about. Professor Flitwick is allowing me a special study, not that he knows..."
"Knows what?"
"I want to erase my mum's memory."
"Remus--"
"It would be like I was never born. It won't cure her but maybe it would set her mind at ease and give her some peace."
"But--"
"She deserves that."
"And then what happens to you?"
"I'll be all right."
"And that's all?"
"It's enough to be going on for now," Remus said but his voice had turned hard.
Sirius clutched at Remus' shoulder, holder him closer. "I didn't mean-- I don't agree, about your mum. She loves you--"
"I know she does. I love her, too. That's why I have to do this."
"I know. I'm not arguing with you. I'll help you. Whatever you need, I'll always be there. Do you see that?"
"I know, Padfoot. I know you want to be."
"Not just that I want to, Remus. I have to be. You and James, you're everything--my family. But James is sorted, right? Him and Lily. You need me, despite all your I can take care of myself. You need me. No one ever needs me except you, which means that I need you, too. Does that makes sense?"
"Yeah. It does."
"So, do you promise you won't leave me behind?"
"I was never leaving you--"
"You would if you thought you were being noble, or some rubbish. But I need you to promise that you'll never leave me."
"I promise, but you're going to meet someone one day, Sirius, like James did with Lily, and I don't want you to--"
"I already have, you idiot. That's what I've been trying to say." Sirius held Remus close, and pressed his lips against Remus' neck, then his jaw. Remus turned as much as he could in the circle of Sirius' arms, to look at him in the gloom of the cupboard. There was a look in his eyes that made Sirius feel needed, wanted, and more importantly, more elusively, loved. It went straight through Sirius, flopping in his stomach and wobbling in his knees, his toes curling in his boots--and he could tell by the way Remus reached for him (to steady himself, to seek the comfort that Sirius had always and would always offer), that he felt the same.
They shifted, twisting elbows and knees to find a better angle, the back of Remus' hand grazing the soft flesh of Sirius' wrist before Remus slid his cold, long fingers just beneath the hem of Sirius' jumper, and Sirius curled his palm over Remus' hip, his worn denims soft to the touch. This close, Sirius was more aware of the difference in their heights, of the pale, nearly translucent skin beneath Remus' eyes and the freckles sprinkled over his nose, of how he smelled (faintly of tea and milk, of magic and the forest at midnight).
Sirius moved his hand to press his fingertips along the boney protusions that made up Remus' spine, sliding across a thick scar he knew was there before his fingers found it because he already knew Remus' body by heart--had already mapped it, claimed it if not like this (his other hand sliding along Remus' neck as Remus watched his lips through half-lidded eyes like a man starved) then in every other way: through loyalty and friendship, through devotion. He kissed Remus then, tasted him, made a really embarrassing sound between a whimper and a moan when Remus slid his hand onto the back of Sirius' head and pulled him closer. It didn't take him long to decide that kissing Remus Lupin was the best thing he'd learned how to do in seven years at Hogwarts, but then he'd known that since he was 15 and had stolen their first kiss.
They spent hours snogging in the cramped cupboard, finishing the half empty bottle of 3 Witches Brew they'd lifted from James and Lily, and cuddling (actually cuddling, not because Remus was frightened and in pain but because they'd wanted to and it was the best way to discover all the secret places that Sirius' diligent reconnoitering had failed to discover even after years of careful observation), before they stumbled back to the Common Room. They stood close, warming themselves in front of the fire, still kissing and touching one another, and Sirius didn't want the night to end because he was afraid that tomorrow Remus would have a reason why it shouldn't have happened at all.
For now though, Remus had tucked his cold hands into the back pockets of Sirius' jeans, and was doing something incredibly interesting to Sirius' neck with his tongue and teeth. Sirius closed his eyes and hummed out his pleasure, almost missing when Remus whispered against his skin. He didn't miss it when Remus leaned back, catching Sirius' chin between his fingers.
"You're not listening to me at all, are you?"
"Of course I am. What did you say?"
"Are we going to tell James and Lily?"
"Not yet." Sirius suspected he wouldn't need to, that James would read it on his face over his soft boiled egg and toast soldiers, but wanted to have this just for themselves for as long as he could manage it. Sirius touched his fingers to his lips and smiled, excitement welling up like bubbles in his chest. "Let's not say anything yet. You know he'll take all the credit."
"We don't want that."
"Of course, we don't. His head is big enough as it is. Besides," Sirius said as he pulled Remus close, "I haven't played a good prank on him in ages."
"You are evil."
"Just one of the things you love about me."
"One of many," Remus whispered against Sirius' neck, and Sirius clutched at him tighter. "I suppose we should go to bed."
"Not yet. Let's just..." Sirius pulled Remus to sit on the long, low couch nearest the fire and stretched out next to him. "It's all right, Remus, isn't it?"
"Is what all right?"
Sirius pushed his fingers through Remus' hair and then stroked his fingertips over Remus' cheek and chin, outlining his lips before he pressed a gentle kiss against them. "Us."
"Of course it is. A disowned heir to a fortune and a pureblood legacy and a penniless werewolf. What's not to be right?"
"You know I don't care about any of that."
"I know."
"And you won't change your mind tomorrow?"
"No."
"Even when James--"
"James has known for ages, hasn't he."
"Then, even when Peter knows? Or anyone else?"
"Are you planning to shout it from the Astronomy Tower?"
"I might."
"I'm not going to change my mind."
"So, it's all right, Remus?"
"It's all right," Remus said, as he settled onto his back, pulling Sirius along with him. Sirius went gladly, resting his head on Remus' chest. He listened to the steady rhythm of Remus' heartbeat as Remus carded his fingers through Sirius' hair, until they both drifted off to sleep.
continued
( bonus material)
Author: Dani (
escribo)Word count: 4250
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Lily/James, Remus/Sirius
Timeline: January
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. I've not made nor seek any profit.
Year 1: one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven
Year 2: one/ two/ three/ four
Year 3: one/ two/three/four
Year 4 (coming in the future when work quits eating my brains! Sorry for the out-of-order-ness)
Year 5 one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight
Year 6 one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight/ nine
Summer one/ two
Year 7 one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight/ nine/ten/eleven/twelve/thirteen/fourteen/fifteen/sixteen/seventeen/eighteen
Leaving Hogwarts one/two/three/four (the end)
As Lily stood on the stairs leading down to the Common Room, she scraped her fingers through the heavy curtain of her hair then let it drop, rolling her shoulders. It'd been a long day at the end of a long week, and she was exhausted. It was beginning to feel like there was nothing but classes, homework, her duties as Head Girl, and dealing with everything had happened over the holidays--with the fear of what was coming. These would be her last few months at Hogwarts and every time she thought about it, her stomach dropped a bit. For at least the last two years, she and her friends had made plans and exclaimed again and again that they couldn't wait to leave, to really begin their lives. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time, especially since the holidays--both the good and the bad. Suddenly she didn't want this time to end, but it had to, she wanted these last few months to be good--and not just for herself, she thought as she watched James tumble through the portrait with Sirius, Remus, and Peter--and she was determined to make them so.
"You're late," she teased, crossing her arms over her chest as she took the next step down.
"Perpetually," James called back as he smiled broadly at her. He broke off from his friends and crossed over to Lily, reaching for her, and she went to him gladly. "Missed you."
"We see each other every day."
"In class and prefects' meetings. At meals sometimes," James whispered, his lips against her neck. "Not the same."
Lily smiled, and closed her eyes, overwhelmed in the best possible way. "Where were you four? Causing mischief? We've barely been back a week."
"Remus has a pet project. We're helping."
"Sirius?"
"What?"
"Is Sirius Remus' project?"
James laughed out loud, and Lily took a step back, seeing in his eyes that he remembered Lily knew Sirius spent at least part of his time as a rather large, shaggy dog. "Not that kind of pet," he said. "He's formed a kind of dueling club."
"Do I want to know?"
"Think of it as more private tutoring. He's always done that."
"Is that what it is?"
James shrugged, his line of sight sliding past her to watch Remus as he talked with a group of first years who swarmed around him. "More or less. He's teaching the younger kids how to protect themselves. Just his way of dealing with Jack's death."
Lily took a step back and hugged herself, nodding. She'd been fond of Jack, too. "And you're helping him."
James shrugged again, looking at her again. "Of course. We all are but we're free now. Is everything ready for tonight?"
"Have you talked to Sirius?"
"Not yet but he'll come if I ask. You just need to work on Remus. If I do it, he'll be suspicious."
"Already in hand," she said, and they both look at Remus again.
Remus knew something was up the moment he saw James and Lily with their heads together. It was different from their usual--less kissing, more whispering. They looked up at the same time, a trick that used to belong strictly to James and Sirius, Lily's smile only slightly less worrying than Sirius' had ever been. Remus half raised his hand, forcing his lips into a smile that felt more like a grimace--that definitely became a grimace as they both waved back. He fled up the stairs.
"James and Lily are plotting something," he announced to the room as he came through the door.
"I thought girls were supposed to be sweet," Peter said. He had his shirt off, and a towel around his neck. Remus could see a bruise blossoming on his pale shoulder from where he'd fallen after one of the second years finally learned the blocking spell Remus had been teaching them.
"Has Lily ever struck you as sweet?" Sirius asked. He was shirtless, too, and Remus watched him from beneath his lashes as Sirius toweled off his hair. There were still droplets of water clinging to his shoulders. Remus didn't notice as Peter left for his own shower until the door clicked closed again.
"She can be," Remus finally said, though quietly as he forced himself to look away.
"To you."
"She said she'd let you borrow her Charms essay."
"After she found out that I was letting you borrow mine."
"Can I borrow your black jumper?"
"You're changing the subject."
"Did it work?"
Sirius smiled and nodded, digging out the requested item. Remus caught it one handed. He turned away and began to tug on his tie and unbutton his shirt. He couldn't stop thinking about the drops of water on Sirius' shoulder.
"Are you going out?"
"Yeah. Lily set me up with someone."
"That explains it then, yeah?"
"Yeah, I suppose."
"Who with?" The bed dipped under Sirius' weight just as Remus reached for the jumper again. He pulled it from beneath Sirius' leg and used it to swat at his arm. Sirius grabbed it, his reflexes not quite what James' were but the momentum was enough to knock Remus off balance. He put his hand on Sirius' shoulder to steady himself, holding his breath a bit when Sirius' hand caught his hip in the wide span of his palm.
"With who, Moony?"
"I didn't ask. It's just a favor."
"What if I said I didn't want you to go?"
"Are you saying that?"
"James is looking for you, Padfoot." Sirius jumped as Peter stuck his head back into the room, and Remus drew back his hand as if scalded. "And Lily said it was time to go, Remus. I thought we were being suspicious of her?"
"We are." Remus forced himself to smile at Peter before he disappeared back out into the hall to finally take his shower, Remus supposed, and he tugged the jumper from Sirius' hands. He put it on and ran his hands through his hair. Only when he was finished getting dressed did he dare to look at Sirius again. "Do I look all right?"
Sirius stood and smoothed his hands over Remus' hair, tugging at where it was just beginning to curl at his collar, and then over his shoulders and down his arms, his fingertips pressing lightly against the pulse in his wrists. He stared at Remus, his wide, gray eyes dark as storm clouds, and Remus felt his mouth go dry as he swayed slightly, pulled by some invisible (inevitable) force. "I won't go if you don't want me to," he said plainly--evenly--feeling no uncertainty, not like he had when he was younger. That was gone.
"I want you to have fun, Moony. You deserve that."
Sirius smiled, showing a line of straight, bright white teeth, and Remus wondered if it was normal that he wanted to lick them.
"Hey Lily?"
"Yeah."
"Do you love James?"
"Maybe." Lily lowered her head, her steps slowing a bit as she walked alongside Remus. "I guess I do."
"What does it feel like?"
"I don't know. Like I want him to be always near, and when he's not, I think about him all the time. You're not going to tell him are you?"
Remus laughed quietly, and curled his fingers around her hand, bumping his shoulder against her own. "I think he knows already."
"I suppose. Anyway, it feels maddening and glorious and terrifying all at once."
"Oh."
"You don't agree?"
"How would I know?" It took Remus two steps before he realized Lily wasn't walking with him anymore, and he tugged at her hand. Woe be to James, Remus thought, if he ever thought to keep secrets. But then James never had to. "Right. It doesn't matter if I know, then."
"Nonsense. Why not?"
"I'm too dangerous to love," he said quietly--flatly, looking around to make sure no one else could hear though they hadn't seen anyone since they'd left the main halls.
"Do you really believe that, Remus?"
"Of course I do. It's true. Besides, what would I have to offer anyone? N.E.W.T levels that will mean precisely nothing in six months time because I won't be allowed a job, a body covered in scars, and the only thing certain in my life that I'll likely die young. I'm quite the catch."
"Do you ever say these sort of things to Sirius?"
"Of course not. He'd hex me."
"What makes you so sure that I won't."
"You're too kind to me. Even when we were children, you never hit me with one of the curses you'd throw at James and Sirius. Not even accidentally."
"Your heart," Lily finally answered. She linked her arm through his and began to walk again. "Your loyalty, your devotion, and your strength and courage. You know you're loved already for those things, and more--your intelligence, your kindness, your rather wicked sense of humor. Those are the things he wants, what he loves about you. You are everything to him, and he wants nothing more."
"He told you that?"
"Of course not. He doesn't have to. A witch knows these things," she said as she tugged him forward up the final winding staircase that led to the top of the Astronomy tower. "And what's more, it's all the things you love in him as well, and more."
"I thought you despised divination," Remus said, but he was shaken because she was right--of course, she was right.
"I do--thoroughly. This is not that."
"No?"
"No. I've made a study, you see, and tonight the experiment only needs bearing out." Lily pushed open the door, using her shoulder when it stuck a bit, and grimaced when it scraped on the stone floor of the tower.
"Careful, Lily. We'll have Filch up here." James took aim at the door, his silencing charm muffling the noise.
"Took care of him, too, or at least Alice did earlier. Has him down in the kitchens with a doxy infestation in the pantries. He'll be there for hours so we'll have most the night."
"Most of the night for what?" Remus asked but he suspected he already knew. He looked to where Sirius leaned against the wall, smoking. This was his favor to James, Remus supposed.
"You two are having a date," Lily said brightly. "It's my best set-up to date, I think. Two of my closest friends. A perfect match, really. I hardly had to do any work at all."
"It was either this or lock you in a broom closet." James wrapped his arms around Lily's shoulders and pulled her close. "Which continues to be an option. Or veritiserum in your pumpkin juice, which is Peter's idea, but we've opted for this instead. For now."
"Though I happen to know where Slughorn has some that he's brewed to sell locked up in his office." Lily closed her hands over James and smiled rather wickedly.
Remus vowed to watch his glass in the morning at breakfast. "He does that?"
"The point is, it would be really easy to get enough to make you both--"
"It's no secret that Black's interested," Remus said, cutting James off. Sirius made no other move than to flick the glowing ember of his cigarette from the tower. "So veritiserum might be overkill there."
"But I don't think Black knows how you feel."
"I keep trying to tell her that men don't talk about that shite but--" James bit off whatever else he was going to say the moment Lily's heel connected with the toe of his boot. "What I mean is that it's healthy to discuss your emotions, lads, and I highly recommend giving it a go. Frequently."
"I'm willing," Remus said to the air, looking up at the stars as if it didn't matter either way. Inside, his heart was beating out a tattoo that he was sure Sirius could hear by the way Sirius was staring at him. "Not the talking bit but-- The date. Always willing to do a favor for Lily."
"Right," Sirius said as he rubbed his palms on his jeans. "Right," he repeated.
Five minutes into a very awkward first date, Sirius had had enough. He hadn't ever given much thought to it before, but he was quite sure it wouldn't have involved James, Lily, or a cold rooftop. He tapped the toe of his boot against Remus' and nodded his head toward the stairs. James and Lily were involved enough with each other that they didn't notice when Remus grabbed the half-bottle of wine and followed Sirius back inside. They didn't go far, just far enough that they likely wouldn't be found--the small cupboard under the stair near the owlery.
"It's freezing in here," Remus complained as he got on his hands and knees and followed Sirius into the tiny space.
"Would you rather go back with Lily and James?"
"No."
"Then budge up."
"We're too big for this now."
"Quit complaining. Just--here. Lean against me. We'll both fit." Remus protested half-heartedly as Sirius pulled and tugged him into the dark cupboard until he was sitting between Sirius' legs, Sirius' arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. "There. Not too big. I haven't been here in ages."
"I still come sometimes," Remus admitted quietly.
"I know."
"How? It never made it onto the map."
"Padfoot doesn't need a map to find you, and I like knowing you're safe."
"I can take care of myself."
"I know, just--shut up, yeah? I like knowing you're safe," he repeated. He was feeling rather tetchy about the whole night--out of sorts in a way that had less to do with James' rushed confession moments before Lily and Remus had turned up, and more to do with... Sirius shook his head and settled his arms around Remus a bit more firmly. "If you're too cold we can find some place warmer."
"This is fine."
"I can probably do a-- Here." Sirius conjured a small ball of green flame that he let hover just above them, its weak light giving off even weaker heat, but almost enough to warm the space a bit. "Better?"
"It's fine, Pads."
"So, what do you usually do on these favors for Lily?"
"I don't know. Nothing. What do you usually do on your dates?"
"I don't have dates."
"You've gone on dates."
"I think about you a lot."
"On your dates?"
"Yes. Which is why I don't have many of them. It's awkward. I think about how I'd rather be back in the room with you, and I get accused of being distracted and disinterested. Which I am because I'd rather just be with you."
"All right."
"Is that all? Is that all you have to say?"
"I like being with you, too?"
"So then we'll just be together?"
Remus let the silence drag out between them and Sirius held his breath until he felt Remus nod.
"All right," Remus said, his voice sounding a bit tremulous. "For now at least."
"What do you mean for now?"
"I don't know. For now. For while we're at Hogwarts because I don't know what's going to happen after."
"So once we leave here, you're done with me?"
"I didn't say that. I said I didn't know what would happen."
"Then let's talk about it."
"I don't want to."
"Why won't you talk about it?"
"Because there's nothing to talk about, Sirius."
"So in June, the world ends?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe for me. Look, I don't want to talk about it because I have no future. I leave Hogwarts and the protection that Dumbledore has given me is gone. I'll have to register. I won't be able to get a job or a place to live, not in the wizarding world, at least, and attending Hogwarts hasn't exactly prepared me to live as a Muggle."
"What are you planning to do?"
"I don't know."
"You'll live with me," Sirius said. "I'll take care of you."
"Sirius, I don't--"
"You don't want me?"
"I wasn't going to say that."
"So, you do want me." Sirius whispered his words against the shell of Remus' ear, and Remus nodded. "James and I already talked about--"
"Of course you have."
"We won't let you just give up, and I won't let you walk away from me."
"I'm not. I wouldn't."
"You are. McGonagall said that you were planning a lonely path and you didn't want to tell me."
"What?"
"At Christmas. In the infirmary. McGonagall said--"
"Damn pad foot. I wasn't." Remus stopped and rubbed his hands over his face. "It's not-- That conversation was private."
"I know. I'm sorry," Sirius said, but didn't sound very sorry at all. "I didn't mean to hear it."
"It wasn't about you, Sirius. It was about my mum."
"Your mum? What about your mum?"
"She's getting worse. I mean, she's been bad since my dad died but she's getting worse. She's afraid of the Ministry and what little she's heard about the war. She's not right. Her sister wants to take her away but she won't go. She won't leave me. She thinks my dad is still alive but a prisoner. She writes Professor Dumbledore nearly everyday, afraid that they've come for me. She cries all the time."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"There's nothing you could do. You can't fix it. Nobody can."
"Aren't there places--hospitals--where she could get help? Where maybe they'd find a cure."
Remus shook his head sadly. "Dumbledore sent a healer to visit her. There's nothing anyone can do. She's just-- She'd be better off if I had never been born."
"Don't say that."
"It's the truth. She's always been fragile, afraid for me and angry with my dad. When he died, I don't know. It's like she feels guilty for being mad at him. She thinks there's something wrong with her because of what happened to me. She--" Remus was silent for a long time, his hands shaking. "There are memory charms. That's part of Professor McGonagall was talking about. Professor Flitwick is allowing me a special study, not that he knows..."
"Knows what?"
"I want to erase my mum's memory."
"Remus--"
"It would be like I was never born. It won't cure her but maybe it would set her mind at ease and give her some peace."
"But--"
"She deserves that."
"And then what happens to you?"
"I'll be all right."
"And that's all?"
"It's enough to be going on for now," Remus said but his voice had turned hard.
Sirius clutched at Remus' shoulder, holder him closer. "I didn't mean-- I don't agree, about your mum. She loves you--"
"I know she does. I love her, too. That's why I have to do this."
"I know. I'm not arguing with you. I'll help you. Whatever you need, I'll always be there. Do you see that?"
"I know, Padfoot. I know you want to be."
"Not just that I want to, Remus. I have to be. You and James, you're everything--my family. But James is sorted, right? Him and Lily. You need me, despite all your I can take care of myself. You need me. No one ever needs me except you, which means that I need you, too. Does that makes sense?"
"Yeah. It does."
"So, do you promise you won't leave me behind?"
"I was never leaving you--"
"You would if you thought you were being noble, or some rubbish. But I need you to promise that you'll never leave me."
"I promise, but you're going to meet someone one day, Sirius, like James did with Lily, and I don't want you to--"
"I already have, you idiot. That's what I've been trying to say." Sirius held Remus close, and pressed his lips against Remus' neck, then his jaw. Remus turned as much as he could in the circle of Sirius' arms, to look at him in the gloom of the cupboard. There was a look in his eyes that made Sirius feel needed, wanted, and more importantly, more elusively, loved. It went straight through Sirius, flopping in his stomach and wobbling in his knees, his toes curling in his boots--and he could tell by the way Remus reached for him (to steady himself, to seek the comfort that Sirius had always and would always offer), that he felt the same.
They shifted, twisting elbows and knees to find a better angle, the back of Remus' hand grazing the soft flesh of Sirius' wrist before Remus slid his cold, long fingers just beneath the hem of Sirius' jumper, and Sirius curled his palm over Remus' hip, his worn denims soft to the touch. This close, Sirius was more aware of the difference in their heights, of the pale, nearly translucent skin beneath Remus' eyes and the freckles sprinkled over his nose, of how he smelled (faintly of tea and milk, of magic and the forest at midnight).
Sirius moved his hand to press his fingertips along the boney protusions that made up Remus' spine, sliding across a thick scar he knew was there before his fingers found it because he already knew Remus' body by heart--had already mapped it, claimed it if not like this (his other hand sliding along Remus' neck as Remus watched his lips through half-lidded eyes like a man starved) then in every other way: through loyalty and friendship, through devotion. He kissed Remus then, tasted him, made a really embarrassing sound between a whimper and a moan when Remus slid his hand onto the back of Sirius' head and pulled him closer. It didn't take him long to decide that kissing Remus Lupin was the best thing he'd learned how to do in seven years at Hogwarts, but then he'd known that since he was 15 and had stolen their first kiss.
They spent hours snogging in the cramped cupboard, finishing the half empty bottle of 3 Witches Brew they'd lifted from James and Lily, and cuddling (actually cuddling, not because Remus was frightened and in pain but because they'd wanted to and it was the best way to discover all the secret places that Sirius' diligent reconnoitering had failed to discover even after years of careful observation), before they stumbled back to the Common Room. They stood close, warming themselves in front of the fire, still kissing and touching one another, and Sirius didn't want the night to end because he was afraid that tomorrow Remus would have a reason why it shouldn't have happened at all.
For now though, Remus had tucked his cold hands into the back pockets of Sirius' jeans, and was doing something incredibly interesting to Sirius' neck with his tongue and teeth. Sirius closed his eyes and hummed out his pleasure, almost missing when Remus whispered against his skin. He didn't miss it when Remus leaned back, catching Sirius' chin between his fingers.
"You're not listening to me at all, are you?"
"Of course I am. What did you say?"
"Are we going to tell James and Lily?"
"Not yet." Sirius suspected he wouldn't need to, that James would read it on his face over his soft boiled egg and toast soldiers, but wanted to have this just for themselves for as long as he could manage it. Sirius touched his fingers to his lips and smiled, excitement welling up like bubbles in his chest. "Let's not say anything yet. You know he'll take all the credit."
"We don't want that."
"Of course, we don't. His head is big enough as it is. Besides," Sirius said as he pulled Remus close, "I haven't played a good prank on him in ages."
"You are evil."
"Just one of the things you love about me."
"One of many," Remus whispered against Sirius' neck, and Sirius clutched at him tighter. "I suppose we should go to bed."
"Not yet. Let's just..." Sirius pulled Remus to sit on the long, low couch nearest the fire and stretched out next to him. "It's all right, Remus, isn't it?"
"Is what all right?"
Sirius pushed his fingers through Remus' hair and then stroked his fingertips over Remus' cheek and chin, outlining his lips before he pressed a gentle kiss against them. "Us."
"Of course it is. A disowned heir to a fortune and a pureblood legacy and a penniless werewolf. What's not to be right?"
"You know I don't care about any of that."
"I know."
"And you won't change your mind tomorrow?"
"No."
"Even when James--"
"James has known for ages, hasn't he."
"Then, even when Peter knows? Or anyone else?"
"Are you planning to shout it from the Astronomy Tower?"
"I might."
"I'm not going to change my mind."
"So, it's all right, Remus?"
"It's all right," Remus said, as he settled onto his back, pulling Sirius along with him. Sirius went gladly, resting his head on Remus' chest. He listened to the steady rhythm of Remus' heartbeat as Remus carded his fingers through Sirius' hair, until they both drifted off to sleep.
continued
( bonus material)