I'm feeling chatty, also I've used up my profantiy allotment for the week

[fox_confessor]

I want to write--I think about it all the time--and can't seem to quite manage it. I don't know what the problem is. I suspect sheer laziness, honestly, but then even when I really, really, really feel motivated to do it (document open, fingers poised, can do attitude), I just don't. I worry a lot (like, way more than is probably healthy or reasonable) about what I should be writing, rather than simply getting on with the business of it. I have approximately 1001 WIPs that I suffer worlds of guilt over. I signed up, despite my protests that I wouldn't do it, for a fest. I want allllll the bingo cards in the world. I really want to start at least two new WIPs (Mike/Harvey as firefighters 'cause c'mon) and Ryan/Esposito (Castle. It's just meant to be a summer fling.) I can't start the new WIPs because the old WIPs exist. I've reached WIP critical mass. One more would be the tipping point. Two more would end the universe, I think. Okay, you know and I know I wouldn't just write a fucking story from beginning to end but write one chapter and then post it immediately because I suffer from that compulsion (look what I did! look what I did! I did a thing! Wouldn't be awesome if it was finished? Yeah, I think so, too. *wanders off*) So, then I think, "then finish a goddamned WIP that's already languishing," and I'm all, "yeah! that's a great idea! Which one?" And there's the real problem. Which one. (My brain says, "omg any of them. fucking pick one. put the names in a hat and fucking pick one." but see I've done that, and then still not written anything. The worst part? The two Harry Potter WIPs are almost done and have been so for a long time. Just fucking finish them right? What's the problem? I don't know. One Suits WIPs is completely outlined. Just fucking write it! It's most dialogue that's missing and I love writing dialogue. Just write! I don't know. I miss communities. I miss deadlines. I miss feeling like I'm going to disappoint someone if I don't finish this fic right fucking now. I don't know. The desire to feel the pressure of deadline, the threat of someone's expectation (and possible displeasure), and the need for approval and praise when I get it done right and on time probably says a lot about me. I should probably learn to separate out those things from the act of writing. I could possibly happier about it if I did, and way more productive.



I'm pretty fucking healthy right now. Today I went to a more intermediate yoga class and held my own. My thighs feel a bit shaky and my shoulders are going to hate me in the morning, but I was happy to feel strong in a class again. I've been trying to develop and maintain some healthy habits, too. I'm not a creature of habit really. I don't maintain things for very long before wandering off. But the hospital thing scared the hell out of me, and not because of the surgery but because I kept thinking about how tiny my family is and how my siblings would never drop everything and come sit with me because I was freaking out at the nurses. It's a lot of stuff in my head that I didn't want to deal with then and I don't want to deal with now, so the solution is to be as healthy as possible and try to avoid doctors and hospitals and scary thoughts for as long as humanly possible. Which means, not letting myself become dehydrated again, and not working crazy hours, and reducing stress, and taking my lunch hour every day and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. So far the only exercise I'm getting is in yoga class (which sometimes, like in yin or gentle flow, isn't enough to raise a sweat and usually isn't enough to even tax my muscles slightly--it's meant to be more meditative, which okay, I need that, too, but exercise everyday would be great, too. I'm doing this thing where I say, "but it's summer! and hot! much to hot to exercise outside. I'm being practical." but honestly it's rained everyday for two weeks and the temperature have rarely risen above 85 (which, for where I live? really fucking strange summer. generally it's topping 100 for weeks and it's not come near it this entire summer. This really isn't me complaining. I think it's awesome. Even the rain. but it's hard to use it as a legitimate excuse then, right?)



I'm full of excuses, and I know this about myself (but I have an excuse!) (I couldn't resist.) I think I'm just in a rut. I'm not 100% sure how to extract myself. I'm not even sure I want to do it. I mean, this is my rut, you know? It's conformed perfectly to my psyche. It's not nearly as scary as all the stuff that might happen outside my rut.


I don't know. I'm mostly rambling. Today I had a list: get an air filter (as mine has needed to be changed for weeks, possibly months), take my dress to the dry cleaner (last worn? Laura's birthday in March), return a thing (bought in May), check for curtains (no joy, one more store to check tomorrow), look at carpet and tile (flooring has needed to be replaced since....oh I moved in four years ago), yoga (favorite class!), Whole Foods (I have a cat with a fine palate), dinner (Mediterranean and so very good). Done! all of it done! Is $10 expensive to dry clean a dress? I have no context for this sort of thing. Still to be done: measure the house so I can get an idea about how much flooring will cost, put together the bathroom cabinet thing I bought last weekend, clean all the things, a tiny bit of work. I brought work home. I didn't mean to (except for how I planned it) but I am limiting myself to two hours last night, today, and tomorrow and that's it. Final. No more. I'm making good progress. I have a book I want to finish this weekend, and one more season of Castle (before I start on a Suits marathon as I...kinda haven't watched season 2 yet--I know, I know bad fangirl--the angst scares me.).

tldr; I want to write but I'm a bit paralyzed someone tell me what to write it would help. I'm super focused on getting healthy I'll try not to become obsessive about it but no promises. Today's been nice this is why all my clothes except one can be machine washed. I'm juggling five fandoms and failing in them all but it's a lot of spontaneous love happening.

Hey hey. I'm going to write a to do list and see if that gets me off my ass. It works sometimes. Though I'd throw it all overboard if I found a really good, long, plotty fic I haven't read in any of my fandoms but most especially if was ryan/esposito. Unfortunately, that is a tiny fandom and I think I've read everything out there. Next time? My next fandom is going to be a really big, sprawling, obnoxious fandom that has all the fic in the world, and theories, and tinhatters, and ship wars and everything, and I'm going to ship everyone. It's going to be awesome.

Comments

[magickalmolly.livejournal.com]

LISTS! Lists make everything better. *nods*

I use the too hot excuse all the time. It's totally legit! You don't want to get dehydrated, after all. ;)

[kiltsandlollies.livejournal.com]

Wait, there are profanity allotments? I am in a world of trouble. I might even say a universe.

LISTS LISTS LISTS ALL THE LISTS. And you know what? Be super-focused on whatever you want, whatever makes you happy, including being healthy. If you want bossiness in the way of writing, here's your bossiness: 300 words of Suits before the end of the night tonight, 250 of Lotrips before the end of the night Tuesday, 487 words of whatever you want by end of the night Friday. THIS IS AN ORDER. And will result in good things upon followthrough. *eyes*

Come on over, too. Making lunches for the week, and some of it involves cherry tomato couscous. You know you want it.

[pavlablack.livejournal.com]

I am with you on the no-writing thing--as you've probably sensed since I've been MIA for a while. But I am going to e-mail you in a bit and maybe this time we can whip each other into shape. Okay? Oh, and I pick, for the WIP, These Four Kings. Big surprise, right? Just write one scene--that's all. You can do one scene.

Hang in there--we all go through ruts from time to time.