Fic: I Don't Sleep, I Dream (Remix, Remus/Sirius)

[fox_confessor]

Title: I Don't Sleep, I Dream
Author: escribo
Summary: AU (house swaps) Sirius works on his courage
Rating:PG-13
Word Count: 4300~
Title, Creator and URL of original work: Hard to Sleep by cursedinsanity
Beta: kiltsandlollies
Author's Notes: Originally posted for 2010 rs_remix.


It had snowed the day before, turning to rain overnight and then freezing again. Everything was ice, and on the lake Sirius could see a few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs trying their luck on ice skates. His brother was amongst them, his blue cap bright amongst a sea of yellow. Sirius raised his hand to wave though he knew that Regulus couldn't see him, at least not well enough to know it was Sirius. He watched the skaters for another minute as they made their wobbly figure eights before he continued down the slippery path that led toward the stand of trees just beyond Hagrid's cabin. He glanced over his shoulder every couple of minutes to make sure Remus still followed him, and to make sure no one else had. No one had, and they weren't likely to, but Sirius liked to make sure. Remus had said once that Sirius' paranoia had been a chief reason why he'd been sorted into Slytherin in the first place, but Sirius just liked to be alone when he was with Remus, and it seemed like they were never alone--except for today and for the rest of the holiday break. When he looked again, Remus huffed out a breathy laugh in a white puff of frozen air, and Sirius scowled at him.

"Where have your friends gone off to, then?"

"They're your friends, too," Remus said, but Sirius only shrugged. Sirius liked both James and Peter, but they were only friends because Sirius had very much wanted to be friends with Remus. It was only just luck that he and James got on so well.

Remus huffed again when Sirius didn't answer. "Fine. My friend James went to France to visit his grandparents, and Peter's in Hertfordshire."

"And you came back early."

Remus hummed noncommittally and Sirius knew what that meant, or thought he did. He turned to make a joke about it but then Remus slipped a bit and Sirius grabbed his shoulder, worrying for a second that his fingers would go straight through Remus' rather threadbare coat. He wanted to ask why Remus didn't get another but bit back the question, thinking he knew the answer to that, too. "Why?" he asked instead, once Remus had his footing back.

"Why what?"

"Why'd you come back?"

"Why not? Maybe I felt sorry for you, here all alone."

"It wasn't too bad. Besides, I wasn't alone. Reg's here."

"I thought he would have gone to your uncle's? He’s your guardian now. I thought you both would have gone to his house."

"Alphard's? We don't really know him. Mum never got along with him, not that she got along with anyone, mind."

"I would think that was reason enough for you to like him."

"Oh, I do. It's just that, I don't know." Sirius abruptly stopped talking, embarrassed. Remus' parents had died, too, Sirius knew, and he understood, or so he said, but Sirius knew that Remus had actually loved his parents. Sirius supposed that maybe he had, too, in a way, or maybe he had a long time ago, but he wasn't sorry they were gone, though he supposed he should feel bad for that. He didn't.

"What did you get him?"

"Alphard?"

Remus laughed, slipping on the path again, and this time Sirius didn't catch him. He watched as Remus' arms windmilled before he completely lost his balance and fell into the snow. Remus huffed out another frozen laugh, small and private, before he shook his head to knock the snow out from beneath his collar. He waved away Sirius' hand when Sirius would help him up, still grinning when he started out again, his cheeks and lips cherry red, and Sirius found he wanted to kiss him, as he often wanted but never had yet. It never seemed like the right time, and he could never find the right words, thinking hey Remus, can I borrow your Charms essay, and by the way, I think I’m in love with you too ridiculous. By the time Sirius was done thinking about it, the moment had passed--as it always did--and they'd already made it to the copse of trees that marked the boundary to the Forbidden Forest. There were birches and alder trees with goldfinches nibbling at the cones, though they flew off as the boys walked by, surprised.

"We could go into the forest," Sirius said, walking around the copse slowly, making careful, deep footprints in the pristine snow. At the very edge where the old growth began, there were tall Sessile oaks with their wide branches that brushed the ground in places. Remus stood at the base of one, his hands clasped behind his back. Sirius watched him from the corner of his eye while he made his circuit, knocking piles of snow from the trees. "Regulus said Hagrid told him there was a path that led to a den of unicorns. We could find it, I bet. Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you paying attention?" Sirius ruined his perfect circle of footprints to step in front of Remus. He forced a grin, feeling suddenly stupid and clumsy in the red knit hat that James had sent him as a joke--a reminder that Gryffindor had won the last Quidditch match and would likely win the one against Slytherin, too, at the end of January. Sirius hoped so, still sore from having been kicked off the team, not that he cared. He only wore the hat now because Remus was in Gryffindor, and it made Sirius feel--for just a moment, when he'd put it on before coming out--that he belonged to Gryffindor, too. That they belonged there together, though it would have been better if they could have both been sorted into Ravenclaw with Regulus.

"Sorry," Remus said as he blushed and looked away, and Sirius had almost missed it as he pondered house politics. Sirius' grin wasn't so forced now, because he loved the way Remus' fair skin was sprinkled with freckles, adored the lilt of his thick brogue and the long, faded scar that disappeared down the collar of Remus' jumper. He was determined he'd follow that scar one day, tracing it with his lips or tongue. They stood still and quiet for so long that the goldfinches came back, warbling quietly to each other as they went after the alder cones again, and Sirius wondered if he was brave enough to maybe kiss Remus now.

He wasn't. Instead he took a deep breath, wiggling his toes in his fur lined boots until he had to move or freeze on the spot. "Let's climb a tree," he said, leaning suddenly to whisper it in Remus' ear and smiling when Remus jumped.

"But-- My mum never let me. I might be bad at it."

"Don't be stupid. My mum never let me either. Come on." Sirius tugged at Remus' gloved hand before he marched through the snow to one of the oaks. "I've gone up with Reg before. There's nothing to it. Look," he added, pointing through the bare branches. "There's an old nest near the top."

Sirius could see Remus was thinking it over, warring with the sensibility of keeping both feet firm on the ground and his desire to follow Sirius wherever he went. At least Sirius hoped Remus wanted to follow.

"You could bring it down for me?" Remus wheedled, his words tipping up at the end even as he tilted his head to one side, his eyes on the nest.

Sirius was tempted, too, for a moment, to do just as Remus asked.

"C'mon. Follow me," Sirius finally said as he turned away, leaving Remus standing in the snow still tugging at a loose thread in the cuff of his winter robe. "Don't climb on the smaller branches. You'll want the one that'll hold your weight."

Sirius pulled himself up onto one of the lower branches, getting his feet firmly beneath him before he climbed higher. He only stopped when he heard Remus grunting and heard his boots scrabbling against the bark on the trunk of the tree. Looking down, he watched Remus clumsily reach for one of the branches above his head and smiled, his point proven, he thought. He reached for another branch, stretching for the nest, his smile turning to a grin when he looked down at Remus.

It happened in a split second--Remus' hand slipped and he teetered dangerously for a moment. Sirius bent over the limb nearest him, reaching for Remus though he couldn't reach him at all. He heard Remus mutter Oh, blast as he lost his footing and his balance altogether as he fell to the frozen ground. As soon as it started, it was over, and Remus' foot lay at an odd angle beneath him. Sirius gasped and dropped to the ground, his face as white as the snowy landscape around them.

"Shit! Remus?" Sirius knelt next to Remus, the cold and wet seeping through the knees of his thick wool trousers. "Remus! Are you okay?"

There was a moment in which Remus didn't answer, though he opened his eyes and stared past Sirius, up through the branches of the tree and straight through to the dull gray sky. "I don't think so," he finally said, his voice high and pained.

"I have to get you to the hospital wing."

"I probably shouldn't move."

Sirius slipped his arm beneath Remus' shoulder, pulling him up until he could rest his head against Sirius. "Can you stand?"

"Yeah." He made no move to do so though, only just breathed a little quicker, short, sharp pants that puffed white in the cold air. "Really, I'm fine," he whispered more to himself, Sirius thought.

"Rubbish."

"A bit faint, maybe. I don't like blood."

At the mention of blood, Sirius looked down and saw that Remus' trousers were torn at his now bleeding knee and his gloves lay one on the ground and the other half on his hand, pulled down to reveal skinned palms. The blood didn't bother Sirius, not as much as seeing Remus' ankle twisted as such an odd angle.

"Don't look at it," Sirius said. "Look at me."

It took a minute for Remus to focus on Sirius, and when he did, it was with one of his funny half grins that always made Sirius feel as though Remus was still trying to figure him out. "I told you I wasn't any good at climbing trees. I'm clumsy, you know. You could notice."

"I have done."

"I've banged my head against the bathroom cabinet forty-three times already."

"Precisely?"

"James keeps count."

"Lucky James."

Remus laughed and it sounded far away, as if Remus was slipping down, down, down and away from Sirius, and Sirius grasped onto him a little tighter. Sirius hauled Remus to his feet, ignoring his protests and hisses of pain, and slung Remus' arm over his shoulder, half dragging him toward the castle. He wondered for a moment if they should go to Hagrid's cabin instead, but he was worried about the ice-covered hill.

"You're being silly, Sirius. Silly Sirius." Remus laughed again and shook his head, watching as a drop of blood fell from his hands into the snow, turning it bright and then pale pink. "I'm fine."

He sounded anything but to Sirius' ears. "You're not going to faint, are you?"

"You wouldn't tell James, would you?"

"You're not going to faint."

"He'll laugh at me."

"You know I can barely understand you."

"I'm going to faint, Sirius."

"No you're not. Remus?" Sirius suddenly staggered beneath Remus' weight, sinking them both down into the snow. "Remus?"

Sirius gave Remus a little shake, trying to be gentle, but got no response. He set him down carefully into the snow and took off his cloak to cover Remus up and then took off at a run for help.

***

"It was foolish of you, Mr. Black, climbing trees. He could have broken his neck."

"He didn't, did he?" Sirius really did try for apologetic rather than sarcastic--she'd already said Remus would be alright. Sirius stood at the end of Remus' bed in the infirmary, staring down at his shoes. He felt mostly contrite, but now that the danger was over, he thought Madame Pomfrey was maybe overreacting a bit. Adults loved to do that sort of thing. He thought maybe it was a fetish one developed when one got old, and the thought made his lips quirk a bit.

"No, but you shouldn't have moved him."

"He needed to see you. His leg was all odd and then he fainted. I thought he was going to die."

"Don't be so dramatic. It was just postural hypotension, Mr. Black, though he could have--"

"Could have what?" Sirius knew his voice was too sharp. He felt too sharp all over all of a sudden, too prickly--too close to being accused of killing his best friend just because he'd been sorted into Slytherin by a stupid hat.

"Enough of your arguments. Remus shouldn't have even been out of doors today, much less up a tree. His health is too delicate for you boys to be so casual in your treatment of him. What he needs is--"

"Not delicate."

At the sound of Remus' voice, Madame Pomfrey stopped mid-rant and bent over his bedside to fuss with his blankets. "How are you feeling, dear?"

"My head hurts." Remus grimaced, his eyes fluttering in the bright light streaming in the infirmary windows, and Madame Pomfrey pulled the curtains to with a wave of her wand.

"There now. I'll get you a pain potion, dear, and then you can sleep again."

When the nurse had left them, Sirius sat on the edge of Remus' bed, plucking at the sheets.

"I'm not delicate," Remus whispered, the skin on his throat going blotchy and scarlet in embarrassment.

"I know." Now that they were alone, Sirius felt guilt bubbling up in his chest like it had when he'd first realized he wanted to do more with Remus, his then Potions partner in fifth year, than revise for exams, and he hunched his shoulders. "Sorry I made you climb the tree."

Remus didn't say anything right away, only just stared at him, and Sirius didn't blame him. He couldn't remember having apologized to anybody for anything before, and he realized belatedly that he probably owed Remus a lot more than a few mumbled words for the trouble he'd caused him in the two years they'd known each other.

"Sorry I fell out of it."

Sirius forced a grin, still feeling uncomfortable, and the longer the silence stretched between them, the more Sirius squirmed--looking over his shoulder to see if the nurse was coming yet and dancing his fingers nearer to where Remus' rubbed the sheets between his fingers. "It's weird," he blurted suddenly, startling Remus. "That you're afraid of blood, I mean. I mean for a werewolf."

Remus stilled at that and Sirius bit his tongue. He hadn't meant to say it out loud since they had never talked about it before, but it was funny, Sirius thought. If he hadn't worked it out, he wouldn't have ever suspected Remus was one because he was so quiet and gentle, because he'd blush and give Sirius those strange half smiles when their hands brushed against one another's when they sat together in the library.

Remus was still looking at him, but there was fear in his eyes, now, and that was another thing he wouldn't have thought about a werewolf--that they'd be afraid of anything. That Remus was afraid of him--of Sirius, afraid of him knowing--sparked a strange kind of anger in Sirius. They were best friends, he wanted to yell. They were more than that, he had thought but knew he didn't have the courage to say it out loud.

"You thought I didn't know?" Sirius asked, and his voice was sharp again, like it had been when he'd spoke to Madame Pomfrey. "Do you think I'm blind and stupid?"

"I--"

"No, let me finish," Sirius interrupted before Remus could say anything. Sirius wasn't afraid, of that he was sure--he wasn't afraid of Remus being a werewolf or of the way Remus made him feel or of everyone finding out. "I thought we were friends. Friends tell each other things like this, you know."

"But--"

"But what?" Sirius lifted his chin and crossed his arms over his chest, making a display of what James always said was Sirius' famous Black charm.

"I'm sorry. I-- I'm sorry," Remus stuttered, not looking at Sirius. "I-- I didn't want to keep it from you but I promised. "

"Promised who?"

"It doesn't matter, right? I'll be gone tomorrow anyway."

"You're leaving?" Sirius' anger gave way to shock and to the one thing he hadn't known to be afraid of: losing Remus.

"Well, yeah. No one was supposed to find out. That was the agreement. If they did, I have to keep my part of the promise and go home."

"But, what would you do?"

"I don't know. Go to Muggle schools. Maybe I'll become a librarian."

"Like Madame Pince?"

"I've always liked books."

"You can't leave," Sirius spluttered, hating this ridiculous conversation--as if he would let Remus go anywhere, much less become something so stupid and boring. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest as if the conversation was over and the matter decided.

"I really should. I mean, you've told and people aren't very nice to werewolves."

"I haven't told!"

"Not even to Regulus?"

"No. You think I would?" Sirius chanced to look at Remus and found Remus regarding him carefully, watching him for lies. Remus swore he could tell whenever Sirius was lying, and Sirius narrowed his eyes, silently daring him to find one now. "Besides, it doesn't matter."

"What?"

"It. Doesn't. Matter." Sirius poked Remus in the middle of his chest on each word before he crossed his arms again, looking away. "Twat. Did you think it would?"

"Well, yes."

This time Sirius smacked Remus in the shoulder, not hard enough to hurt but Remus still rubbed his shoulder with his long, thin fingers. "Twat," Sirius said, looking away again because he couldn't bear to watch as Remus' fear gave way to something else.

"Sirius."

"You are. You are the twattiest twat that has ever twatted."

"Stop it."

"Why?"

"It's not a very nice thing to say."

"Maybe you should become like Madame Pince. You sound just like her." Sirius still stared across the room, to the row of bottles and jars locked up in a cabinet. He didn't even look when Remus put his hand on Sirius' arm, tugging a bit on his sleeve as Remus tried to get Sirius' attention. "You know, it's not nice to think that I would tell, either."

"Er... I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, you'd better be." Sirius looked down at Remus, then--at his bright blue eyes and his messy curls. He counted seven freckles sprinkled over Remus' nose and knew there were ten more over his cheeks, seventeen in all. He reached out with shaky fingers to trace along the scar on Remus' neck, and let his thumb rest against the pulse in Remus' throat, feeling it beat hard and fast, as fast as if he'd just ran a mile.

"Remus?" Sirius whispered.

"Yeah?"

Sirius bent down quickly before he could think about it too hard, his hands suddenly on Remus’ shoulders, pushing him into his pillows, and kissed him hard and fast. It was only just a press of their lips together, not with tongue and heavy breathing like he'd seen Gideon and Mary McDonald do once in the stairwell, his hand on her thigh as he lifted her skirt high. It still made Sirius’ heart beat fast--faster. It was over just as quickly as it started, just like in the tree--just like when Remus fell.

Remus looked up, blinking owlishly up at Sirius, and Sirius knew Remus hadn't closed his eyes but had watched as Sirius kissed him. There were two bright red circles on his pale cheeks, but he said nothing.

"You’re a twat," Sirius said again but breathlessly this time. He stood, pulling his hand from Remus when Remus grabbed for him, and turned on his heels, stomping out of the infirmary.
Sirius let the door to the infirmary slam behind him but then stood stock still, his hand pressed against his lips. He hadn't meant for their first kiss to be like that. He could only think about how Remus would hate him, how he'd misinterpreted the looks they'd shared, that the times they'd touched accidentally really had been accidents.

Sirius' cheeks burned with embarrassment and shame. He could only think of getting away, of how maybe later--maybe tomorrow--they could laugh about it. He'd say he slipped. That forced a weak smile out of him as he imagined Remus treating him to one of his looks--the ones that made Sirius do such spectacularly stupid things. Shaking his head, he turned to go back to his room but didn't make it more than a few steps outside the infirmary before he stumbled into his brother.

"What are you doing up here, Reg?"

"I heard about Remus. I came to check on him."

"How did you hear already?"

"Well, I didn't hear. I saw, and then when I got up to the castle they told me Remus was hurt. I couldn't get my skates off fast enough to help you."

"You're a Wizard, Reg," Sirius said, as if it was the answer to every question.

"I know."

"I didn't even know you could skate."

Regulus smiled and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Someone's been teaching me."

"Someone?"

"Jenni Abe."

"Oh?"

"Yes, oh. She fancied you, you know, but I convinced her it wasn't going to happen."

"Did you?"

"It wasn't, was it? I thought--"

"You thought what?"

"Well, you and Remus. I thought that--" Regulus quit inspecting the toes of his shoes long enough to look at Sirius sideways. "I don't mind if you're worried about that. I like Remus."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, you know I do. He helped me with Mulciber when no one else would."

"Mulciber was bothering you?"

"A bit but he doesn't anymore. Not now. I did ask Remus not to tell you."

"You should have told me."

"Yeah, maybe. I didn't want to, because he's in your house."

Sirius frowned, bothered that for the third time today his house had been brought up as evidence against him, or at least it felt that way. He knew that Mulciber and his lot were rotten but it wasn't as if they were friends. In fact, it was because he'd been fighting with them that had led to Sirius being removed from the Quidditch team for the rest of the year.

"C'mon," Regulus was saying, and Sirius bit at the side of his mouth to keep from saying anything. "You know I don't care about that, I just didn't want to put you in a tough spot with your mates. You've got it bad enough as it is, yeah? Without having to defend your brother. I don't suppose they much like that you're friends with Remus and James and them either."

"No."

"So they're pricks. What do you care anyway? Remus likes you."

"It's not like that."

"Sure it is. He told me once, you know? That's why he didn't tell you about the spot of trouble I had. We're even now."

"He told you what? When?"

"It was just the start of my fifth year. I caught him staring at you, watching you during Quidditch practice and stuff, like when you played. He asked me not to say anything."

"He said he liked me?"

"Words to that effect. You know how he is, all quiet like he's carrying around the secrets of the universe in his head. Besides, I've known you've liked boys for ages."

"Regulus!"

"What?" Regulus laughs a bit, pushing his black hair from his eyes. "We're brothers, Sirius. Nothing's going to change that, right? I mean, we're all we've got. I'm not going to hate you for liking boys, and you could do far worse than Lupin. Is he okay, by the way?"

"What?"

"Remus. Was he hurt too badly?"

"No."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Are you going to go after him?"

"Reg!" Sirius groaned.

"C'mon, big brother. You're the one who's always complaining that the house stuff is rubbish. Where's your courage, then?"

Sirius looked over his shoulder at the door of the infirmary, remembering the kiss, the way Remus' pulse had raced beneath his thumb. It seemed impossible that Remus could have actually been wanting the same thing, that he'd been waiting for Sirius to do something half as stupid as kissing him in the infirmary.

When he turned back to answer Regulus, Sirius found he was alone in the hall. "Courage, right," he whispered to himself, and then slipped back into the infirmary.

Remus was nearly asleep when Sirius knelt next to his bed again. Sirius pushed Remus' hair back from his pale forehead and found a small, silver scar just along his hairline that he'd never noticed before. He was just wondering what else he had missed when Remus' eyes fluttered open.

"You came back," he whispered and Sirius smiled at him.

“You’re one of my best mates, Remus,” Sirius whispered. Remus tried to focus on Sirius’ eyes and Sirius pushed his hair back again. “Of course it doesn’t matter. I’ll always be here for you."

"M’all right," Remus mumbled back, his eyes drooping closed. "Y’can’t copy m’Charms essay, though."

"Spoilsport." Sirius laughed, happy that there would be time enough later to talk about everything else.

Comments

[amuly.livejournal.com]

So lovely ^.^

I've missed your writing style in the past couple weeks/months/IT'S BEEN AGES I SWEAR. So good!

[escribo.livejournal.com]

Aww! Thanks :D IT'S BEEN AGES I SWEAR It has been an exceedingly long time. At least the Big Bang deadline is only a week away, so it can quite eating my brainssss.

[adari94.livejournal.com]

Awwww! That was just completely adorable! I loved Reg and how he got along with Remus. And that kiss ws just perfect!

[escribo.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoy it (and Reg! I love writing him :D).